The Rubber Duck
by Coulomb
Summary: Hermione is late to class one morning, and when asked why her explanation gets missinterpreted. Big time. One-shot crackfic, no pairings. Rating just to be sure.


The Rubber Duck

So it might be slightly confusing at times, but keep in mind that what you read may not be what others interpret it as. ;)

Also, I'd like to apologize for any lingual mistakes that I commit - English is my second language.

Also, also, this fanfic contains some strong sexual innuendo. If that isn't your cup o' tea, then don't read it.

Hermione was wildly racing through the corridors of Hogwarts, munching on a sandwich as best she could whilst also trying to untangle her hair from the wild disarray that it had become. Down the moving staircases and into the dungeon she went, those standing by not seeing much more than a quick blur.

Why was she running? Well, let's just say that Hermione had had a quite interesting evening the night before, and hadn't been able to get much sleep. This of course resulted in her waking up five minutes before her morning class, Potions, started. _Damn._

She was flushed by the time she reached the classroom, quickly crashing into the room and finding herself in an awkward position. _Double damn._ Everybody was staring at her, including her professor, 'I-hate-everybody-and-if-I-die-I-will-damn-well-do-my-best-to-take-you-all-down-with-me' Snape.

"Would you care to enlighten us as to why you're so despicably late this morning, miss Granger?" The tones escaping his mouth were clipped and swift, promising a good old detention.

"Uhmm… Well, I - I overslept."

"Obviously. Why?" Hermione started to blush at this. "That's quite the interesting shade of magenta that your cheeks are sporting, to say the least. Now elaborate." His tone held no mercy.

"Professor, it's quite the tedious and embarrassing story." She started to fidget, knowing that as she stood in the middle of the classroom everybodys' eyes were trained on her.

"Well, you'd better get started then." Now Snape was smirking, his expression mirrored by his Slytherins.

"Eh, well you see, my mum sent me this rubber duck, a muggle convention, for christmas. One of those you use to play with, sir. And so I decided to try it out last night after everyone else had fallen asleep, so as not to bother anyone, and afterwards write a letter to my mum about how much I loved it. You see, she'd always give me one for christmas when I was younger. I got so caught up in it that I fell asleep first around 2 am."

Everybody stared at her, before Lavender broke out into full-blown laughter. "Liked it, did you?"

"Uhm.. Well yes. It was the classical yellow design and the perfect size." At this even more people started laughing. Even Snape started to chuckle. _Snape_. _Chuckling_.

"Sir, are you quite alright?" Hermione started to fear for his well being - Snape simply did not _chuckle_.

Snape couldn't help himself - he snorted and started to full-out laugh. It was a true sight to behold.

At this moment in time only Harry, Ron and the muggle-born slytherin Daphne Greengrass didn't laugh. Ron was completely red in the face, mortified beyond the imaginable. Harry, however, just looked at everyone with a frown, not getting the joke.

"Hey, why are everybody laughing? It's not like I haven't used one too! Of course, I only ever used my cousin's old ones… But that's beside the point!" At this Ron started gagging and the whole classroom broke out in double the laughter it had earlier contained. "It's nothing to be ashamed of! Almost everyone who's raised amongst muggles has done it." Realization had now dawned on Daphne, who was giggling uncontrollably.

"I assure you, mr. Potter, that I used nothing of the sort", said Snape, his scary aura from before shimmering slightly at the notion of him having used… That.

Harry knew that Snape was lying, and so couldn't keep his gob shut, "Yes you have! We saw one in your bathroom last night!"

Ron shot Harry a questioning look. Wasn't their little spying-session supposed to remain secret?

Snape started coughing, having to hold on to his desk so as to not topple over. "Excuse me, Potter?" His voice promised a fate worse than death.

Hermione decided to take action, so as to not let him deny the claims made by Harry. "Sir, they insisted upon spying on you… I tried to stop them. Though do not try to deny it - I saw a rather large one on the edge of your bathtub, and it looked quite used if you ask me. I must admit that I reacted on the fact that yours is orange and purple. Interesting choice of color if you ask me, sir."

"MIss Granger, I assure you, I do _not_ have an orange and purple dildo in my bathroom."

"D-d-dildo?", she said with choked tones.

"Well, that _is_ what Harry and you were talking about, wasn't it?" Parvati asked. Of course, this is what everybody had interpreted it as.

Later that day both Hermione and Harry could be found in the hospital wing. Apparently they had entered a state of shock after an incident in Potions class.

I'm _quite_ sorry for my enormous usage of the word quite. Also, please re-read it to _really_ get what the students thought Hermione and Harry were saying. I believe color and size were mentioned…


End file.
